My parents divorced before I was two-years-old and some of my clients have been divorced women. I know how much living in a home that no longer feels like home can hurt. And moving into a new, smaller home after a divorce is equally difficult. Add in the clutter of moving and all the "sentimental" items mixed in, and you've got a recipe for emotional overwhelm.
Divorce is hard. And so is decluttering after divorce.
Deciding who gets practical items—such as your pots & pans set and the brand new couch—is only part of the challenge. You also have to navigate through old photos, gifts, and keepsakes. You wish they would all just disappear so you could stop thinking about him (or her), yet at the same time, you long to feel like a family again, like you belong, and are reluctant to let go of anything sentimental from your marriage.
This is where asking for help is essential.
Whether you reach out to a professional like me, a friend, or family member doesn't matter. But, getting some help on your post-divorce declutter journey is vital for both making efficient progress and getting the emotional support you need.
Okay, onto the 5 truths...
The following 5 truths, I wrote specifically for women I know who have had a lot of clutter post-divorce, and particularly those who stayed in the house and were left with all the clutter to sort. If you are a sentimental woman and tend to people-please and he left you, this will likely be exactly what you need to hear. If you are a divorced man or are a divorced woman who doesn't fit the previous description, some of these truths will still be helpful, just know it wasn't written for you. And note, these truths are for you whether you just separated last month or you divorced 10+ years ago. This process can take a long time, especially if you put it off.
Okay let's jump into it.
5 Truths for Decluttering Post-Divorce
1. If they left it with you, it's 100% your decision what to do with it.
If your ex left a bunch of his stuff at your place and hasn't bothered to get it, mention it, or ask you to hold it for him, he doesn't care what you do with it. He has also given up his right to it. It's like paying for one month for a storage unit and then abandoning it, never to pay another penny. It no longer belongs to him. He left it at your place. Of course, there are a exceptions, and I am not giving you and legal advice. However the point stands that if he didn't care enough about it to take it with him, then it doesn't matter to him what you do with it. Make a decision, and move on.
2. You don't have to ask them for permission to get rid of every little sentimental thing.
Similar to point number one, you don't need to get their permission to throw away or donate sentimental items if they left them with you. It's at your place, it's your decision.
And in my experience, most men tend to be less sentimental about possessions than women. While he probably couldn't care less what you do with your wedding album, you may struggle for weeks thinking about it. You want to throw it away, but you also want to save it, if not for yourself, for your kids and future grandkids. It can be painful to realize that your shared sentimental items mean so little to him. And it's not that your stuff means NOTHING to him, it's that he wants to move on, and possibly faster than you. He doesn't want to see it or feel it, just like you wish you didn't.
So, my point is, if you come across something you think he may find sentimental, don't stress about it, keep it for yourself, or let it go. If you are really worried, text him a photo of it and ask if he wants it. If he doesn't, get rid of it or keep it for yourself; if he does, tell him he needs to come get it, soon.
Storing items for him is not worth your current space, mental health, or peace. What you do with sentimental items in your house is your choice alone.
3. If you aren't ready to get rid of all the memories, you need to pick one bin to store the most meaningful and let the rest go.
While you go through items that remind you of your ex and your marriage, you will of course have a hard time letting some things go, if not everything. However you can't keep living surrounded by sentimental items and photos of times past that can never be again. And I don't want your garage stuffed to the brim either. So, select the size of bin that feels right to you, large or small, and only keep the most important and joy-brining keepsakes from your marriage in it. The rest of the photos, kick-knacks and things that bring you to tears every time you see them, need to go.
4. You cannot replace everything that reminds you of them.
I know I just said to not keep more than one bin of sentimental items, but you can't get rid of everything that makes you think of him either, so let's define what that sentimental items are. Sentimental items are things like photos, kick-knacks, memorabilia; and more generally, they are any meaningful items that you don't use for a practical purpose.
So, although your favorite sun hat may be something he bought you, that doesn't make it a sentimental item that needs to fit into that one bin. If it makes you cry every time you put it on, it probably needs to go. But, if it just gives you an annoyed twinge in your stomach, that should pass in time, and you can't afford to rebuy everything. So, do your best to distinguish between truly sentimental items from your marriage, and useful items that just have a memory of him attached to it that you can forget in time.
That can be hard to do, which is why having support is helpful.
5. If they left large or annoying items with you, it's their problem.
If he left his fishing boat parked in your garage, bug him until he comes and tows it away (or until he pays for someone to come tow it away). If he left half the living room piled high with his boxes and you know none of your stuff is in there, bug him until he comes and picks it up (or pays for someone else to come do it). Yes, it is your choice what you do with stuff he left with you, but also don't feel pressure to deal with stuff when it shouldn't be your problem. If you don't want it and it's his, make him deal with it. Guard your time; it's precious.
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And there you have it.
I know that wasn't easy to read. Talking about this stuff can be triggering, especially if you had a particularly difficult divorce where they left a lot of stuff in your house and didn't deal with it or you in a respectful way.
Of course with any advice you read on the internet, take what helps you, and leave what doesn't. I've never been married or divorced and I don't know your situation. But I do understand the pain of emotionally charged clutter so I genueinly hope this was helpful.
Let me know in the comments below your story with divorce and clutter. Or email me directly at elena@elenasdeclutter.com.
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